we are here!

Well, we are finally here, and I can't believe it!  It's only been four days and it feels like much longer...  in a good way.  We got here on Tuesday, and started school Wednesday morning.  I already feel like we fit right in.  We have been welcomed by many, our meals have been provided, we have reunited with old friends, and have already made many new friends.  It's great to feel so comfortable in such a foreign place.  I'm sure we will have our days where this isn't the case, but for now, it's nice.  :) 

Even if we were to leave tomorrow (we're not, but theoretically speaking...) if we were, just this week would have been worth it.  It has been such a life-changing, eye-opening week, and I can't wait to see what He has in store and what the next couple of years will bring.

JETLAG

3 a.m. wake-up calls is about all I can say.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I'm wide awake by 3 a.m.  This makes for very long days!  This morning it was 3:30, so I'm looking at that as a positive thing...  making progress.  It is now 4:30 a.m. and Emily is still asleep, so I think she is beginning to get on schedule.  Me, not so much.  Hoping that will change by Monday morning!

EMILY'S A ROCKSTAR

My little 5 year old has experienced more in the past week than she can possibly comprehend.  She has had a meltdown or two, but I'd be concerned if she didn't!  She is already adjusting better than I could have ever possibly asked for.  She has made lots of new friends, she loves her new bedroom, and she is even sleeping in her own bed!  We should have moved to China 5 years ago...  :)



First Day of Kindergarten





Day 2



Day 3

 ONE-WAY TICKET

I still need lots of time to process and get my thoughts together, so I don't have a whole lot to say at this point, other than we are here on a one-way ticket!  Not sure that has fully sunk in yet.  It's exciting.  But it's strange...  no itenerary to look at, no more suitcases to pack (thank goodness!).  We are here.  And this is our home. 

it's "go time"!

Today's the big day.  The waiting game is over. Ready or not, here we go!

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE

As I've mentioned before, the last 3 months have been a roller coaster ride.  And by that, I mean everything has been up and down...  my thoughts, my emotions, my days.  There are days I just sit and wait..  waiting for the ride to start.  I've felt like a kid in the candy store...  this is the best time of my life!  I've felt like the ride needs to slow down...  if not, I think I might hurl.  I've been excited, ecstatic, eager, and anxious.  I've been sad, and scared, and lonely.  There are days I've been numb to it all...  is this really happening?  Is it possible to feel all these things at once?  Because I feel them all this morning.  But in the midst of all of it, I also feel Peace.  I am so thankful that there is a Truth that is bigger than my thoughts, my feelings, and my days.  That there is Truth that is never-changing and never-failing, when my thoughts, and my feelings, and my days are ever-changing and ever-failing.

And the peace of Him, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds.

Ready or not, here we go!

BITTERSWEET GOODBYES

"Goodbyes", "See you laters", "After while crocodiles"...  no matter what I call them, they are all just as hard.  I'm not a fan of goodbyes.  Hate is a strong word...  but I hate goodbyes.  Even though I will see you later alligator, I still hate goodbyes.  Even though they're hard, some goodbyes were very encouraging.  People are excited for us, wished us well, and I have no doubt they will keep in touch.  Other goodbyes, not so much.  Good goodbyes, bad goodbyes, hard goodbyes, easy goodbyes....  all just as hard.  They make me sad, they hurt, and I hate goodbyes...  So, this is what it means to "count the cost".

Walking out the door of the little house that finally felt like "home".  Count the cost.  Watching my sister and favorite (and only) niece in the whole world drive away in my car.  Count the cost.  My other sister driving away right behind them.  Count the cost.  Hugging my 81 year old grandma goodbye.  Count the cost.  Leaving a job, people, and students that I love.  Count the cost.  My last worship service in this place, Emily's last time in KidStuff, my last time in this community (for 2 years anyway).  Count the cost.  I haven't told my parents goodbye yet...  they're taking us to the airport.  But even then... I'll count the cost.

So why are we leaving people we love, people who love us, my great job, and community, and that little house with a jacuzzi tub, and my car, and everything comfortable?

Because He said:  "Count the cost and follow Me."

WE LEAVE TONIGHT

discard pile

the chaos

Our plane leaves tonight, but we leave in just a few short hours to head to the airport.

Drive to the aiport- 2 hours 47 minutes
First flight-2 hours 10 minutes
First layover-5 hours 20 minutes
Next flight-15 hours 30 minutes
Next layover- 2 hours 5 minutes
Last flight-3 hours 30 minutes
Total travel time:  30 hours 42 minutes

Get there Tuesday morning, start school on Wednesday!

It's "Go Time"! Let's do this!

the waiting game

So, ideally... I knew that if I was going to apply for a teaching position with this International School, I needed to apply last October.  But like I've said, my thoughts and emotions were really up and down this year.  So, it wasn't until May that I made the heart commitment to go for it!  The past 3 months have been an exciting and unexpected roller coaster ride.  I have experienced every emotion possible, stress levels that I didn't know existed, and the waiting period...

Since I applied late in the game, I am a little behind in the process.  School started last week!  There's so much to do once I get there.  I needed to be there 3 weeks ago.  I've been ready.  My heart's ready.  The teacher in me is ready.  My bags are ready...  well kinda.  And there is nothing I can do... but wait...

THE HULA HOOP THEORY

I had a friend introduce the "hula hoop theory" to me, and it has been so helpful through this waiting game.  She said something to this extent:  imagine you are always wearing a hula hoop.  You can only take care of the things inside your hula hoop.  If it's outside your hula hoop, it's out of reach, and it's out of your control.  Only He has control outside the hula hoop.  The paperwork, the process, the timing...  outside my hula hoop.  So, I sit here and wait...

SUITCASE LIVING

Emily and I have been living out of suitcases since the end of June.  It's been absolutely absurd.  We were in New York for 2 weeks for our new staff orientation and training, where we stayed in college dorms.  We came back to Texas for a week, where some friends of mine had so graciously packed up my house for us.  So we were living out of suitcases and boxes.  And we have been in New Mexico, staying with my parents, ever since...  where we actually have dressers and drawers...  and suitcases.  And...  we wait....

PACKING, UNPACKING, AND RE-PACKING

I wasn't exactly organized when I left Texas.  A few suitcases had some thought put into them, and the rest...  had everything thrown in them that could fit.  I figured I would organize everything when I arrived here in New Mexico.  I was under the impression that Emily and I each get 2 free 50 lb. checked bags, and I was up to 6 bags.  So...  2 too many!  A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and took EVERYTHING out of all my suitcases, and discarded, parted, and reduced our luggage down to 5 suitcases.  Yay, Me!  But THEN, we went shopping.  And I found way too many things that 'they just might not  have in China'.  So, I was back up to 6.  So..  I discarded and parted some more to make room for my new things, and got back down to 5.  Yay, Me again!  Well...  today, come to find out...  new rule.  We each get ONE free bag.  Argggh!  So, 2 bags....  yeah that's extremely unrealistic.  BUT I am trying to get down to 4!  So, I will continue to pack, unpack, and repack while we wait...

LESSON PLANS

So, even though I am not currently in China and I haven't started school, my students have.  And technically, I am their teacher, and I am responsible for their lesson plans.  Doing lesson plans for kids I've never met, whose native language is different than mine, and with a curriculum I haven't seen yet...  kinda makes my head hurt.  I mean, I've taught for a couple of years, so I know what to do.  Kinda.  I think I do.  But I won't really know, until I know.  So, I pick my brain, and dig up previous years' lesson plans, and invade Google, and pick other teachers' brains...  and create the best lesson plans I can create....  while I wait...

WAITING IS HARD, BUT...

...there have been lots of wonderful things about the waiting game.  I've been spending very valuable time with my family, and am cherishing every moment.  I am getting to REST!  Something I haven't had time to do since summer started.  I am getting to spend valuable time with Emily.  Though we are always together, it seems there is ALWAYS one more thing for me to do.  So, it's been nice to purposely set aside time for her.  Also, He is showing me how much He has grown me.  I've played the waiting game before.  And, if I were doing this 2 years ago, there's no doubt I would be a basket case!  So, even though waiting is hard... He's given me peace while He asks me to smile, and wait...

PURPOSE IN WAITING

He's always shown me that there has been purpose in waiting.  Maybe He's teaching me to trust Him more?  Rely on Him more?  Spend more time with Him?  Accept that His timing is Perfect?  I don't know...  I just know that He is the one asking me to wait, so...  I wait...

"But those who wait on HIM shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  ~Isaiah

you're going where!?



A little over 2 years ago, I came across a teaching opportunity at an International School in China, and I've been interested in it ever since.  My first thought was..."I wish I could do something like that."  And my next thought was... "Why can't I?"  I looked into the opportunity shortly after coming across it, and was encouraged to wait until I had 2 years teaching experience and until Emily was in Kindergarten.  So...  I had 2 years to think about it.

Realizing that I was still interested in the opportunity a year later, I thought it would be wise to travel to China and get a feel for what it would be like before moving there.  There was a summer camp associated with the International School and they needed a teacher to teach English to first graders for 2 weeks.  Perfect!  I could do that.  I initially thought I would go by myself and leave Emily with family or friends for 2 weeks, while I took this great opportunity and scoped out what our lives might look like in China. 

I rethought the idea...  and couldn't stand the thought of being away from Emily that long.  Also, if we were really going to move to China, I wanted to see what it would be like for Emily, too.  So, I let them know I was interested in teaching at the camp, but that I wanted to bring my daughter with me.  Though she was only 4, I felt confident in her behavior and that she would be okay hanging out with us at the camp.

Much to my surprise, they said ok!  So, last summer, Emily and I hopped on Emily's first airplane ever (forget the baby steps!), and we headed East.  As you can imagine, we had a variety of responses.  Some support and encouragement...  and lots of... "you're going where!?", and  "why are you doing that!?"  I got many "you're crazy looks" and my favorite comment:  "I hope your decison-making skills are as they should be."

The unexpected and overwhelming negative response was very discouraging and made me question what I was doing and why.  I began to doubt my decision and was very uneasy 2 weeks before our departure.  But when I sat down on that airplane, with my 4 year old daughter, I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it.  The sense of Peace I had is undescribable, and I had no doubt that I was supposed to be on that airplane.

Our time in China was wonderful, hard, great, uncomfortable, peaceful, uneasy, confusing, and life-changing all at the same time.  I actually left China, not sure if I'd be going back.  My thoughts and emotions have been up and down this year.  But here I am....  waiting to return to China...  with 2 years teaching experience and Emily ready for Kindergarten.  :)

We leave in just a few days...  and I know Where I'm going and Why I'm going there.  And I can't wait!

Me and Emily at the International Banquet
during our training/orientation in New York



                      







my pain for His glory

In all honesty, I didn't choose this life.  And neither did most single parents you know.  Sure, choices we've made or a change in life circumstances got us here, but we didn't choose this.  Granted, I know a few people who have chosen the single parent life through fostering or adoption, and I admire them greatly.  But for the rest of us, we're just playing the hand we were dealt.

I have had the privelege of meeting a few single moms and single dads who are playing their hand well.  They have a positive outlook on life, would do anything for their kids, and are doing the best they can with what they've got.  Their attitude and commitment speaks volumes and has been a huge encouragement to me.

On the other hand, I've met some single moms who feel they are inadequate for the job, have a negative outlook on life, and have absolutely no hope.  I know some married moms who feel like they are single moms, and I know some married dads who feel like they are single dads because they are the only ones pulling all the weight.  In all these scenarios, someone needs encouragment, guidance, and hope.

He guides me when I have no idea what to do, He is my hope when I feel hopeless, He is my strength when I am weak, He comforts when I'm lonely, and He fulfills all His promises.  He has provided people in my life who have experienced His promises and who have shared and encouraged me during my times of weakness with the same comfort they've recieved from Him.  Through His promises and His people, He has equipped me to do the same.

Any time I have the privelege to give the single mom a word of encouragement, a little guidance, or just simply a hug that brings a smile...  He reminds me that there's purpose in the pain.  He promises to "use all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose", and He continues to fulfill His promises.

  Mistake:  I've had my "why me?" moments!
  Lesson:  He has me where I am because it's how He wants to use me.

"He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from Him."  ~Paul

                        What's your story?

the hard stuff

THE QUESTIONS

Does her dad have blonde hair?
Does your husband have blonde hair?
What does your husband do?
Why aren't you married?
Why doesn't she have a daddy?
When is she going to get a daddy?

And the list goes on...  The questions aren't the hard part...  they're expected.  It's finding a way to answer them that's hard.  I have been asked these questions millions of times, and have probably answered them differently every single time.  No matter how hard I try to prepare or recite an answer, the questions always throw me off guard.

The questions get harder as Emily gets older, because she now understands the conversations. Therefore, these questions... lead to more questions.

I am slowly learning when an explanation is necessary or beneficial, and when a simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.  My first priority is to protect sweet Emily, so above all else, that's what I do.

  Mistake:  I use to dread the questions.
  Lesson:  The questions are coming regardless, so embrace them...  and move on.

THE MAN WORK

(Some of this is geared more toward single women in general, not just moms)

• fixing the garbage disposal
• lighting the furnace
• airing up the tires
• catching the mouse
• killing the scorpion
• assembling the new toy
• lifting EVERYTHING
• making ALL the decisions
• doing ALL the driving
• doing ALL the discipline
• hooking up the speakers
• replacing the electronics
• replacing the lightbulbs
• talking to the auto mechanic when I have no idea what he's talking about

And the list goes on...

  Mistake:  Doubting I could do most of this.
  Lesson:  Even I can catch a mouse.

THE LONELINESS

I'm not normally one to admit when I'm lonely.  In fact, this may be the first time, ever, that I've confessed that I have my lonely moments.

Sure there are the days I wish I had the companionship, the friendship, and just simply the company.

But the loneliest moments for me have been all of Emily's "firsts".  First word, first bite, first crawl, first step, first animal sound, first "I love you", first day of school, first cartwheel, first read word, first doggy paddle...  And...  the list goes on...

I am thankful that I have great parents and great sisters who are always there to celebrate with me when I call and announce Emily's "firsts".  But it's lonely when there's no one else to watch it with me.

  Mistake:  I've sulked in the loneliness
  Lesson:  He reminds me I'm not alone, and He sees it all.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother."

it's okay to...

NOT BE OKAY

"It's okay to not be okay," said a dear friend of mine.  What a freeing statement!  Seriously, consider the alternative, and this is Great News.

I once heard a grandmother on television tell her grandaughter, "The APPEARANCE of sanity is all that matters, dear."  And for my first few years as a mother, I truly believed this.  I walked around believing I had to prove myself to people; proving that I could handle things all on my own.  I didn't need anyone's help and I didn't need anything from anyone.  So, I put on my "everything's peachy" mask, convinced the world (in my mind) that I had everything figured out, and that I was always okay and always happy.  Again, the "appearance" was all that mattered, right?

After 3 years of doing this, it became exhuasting and emotionally draining.  I wasn't always okay, and I wasn't always happy.  I was very tired all the time, highly stressed, and quite lonely because I didn't know how to accept help and encouragement from people, therefore I was pushing them away.

The first time I took off my "mask" and admitted that I wasn't always ok, and that this life...  always pleasing and always pretending...  was hard, a HUGE weight was lifted.  I was gradually able to open up to people, be more real, and allow people into my life again.

  Mistake:  I was pretending to be someone I wasn't.
  Lesson:  It's okay to not be okay.  (In honor of all my new China friends:  It's okay to have a "yuck duck" day!)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  ~J.C.

ASK FOR HELP

Oh, this one was very, very hard for me to accept, and even harder for me to do.  I absolutely refused to let people know that I needed help.  I was given the role of "Super Mom" and I was determined to fulfill the role. 

My same dear friend (mentioned above), gave me permission to ask for help.  That's what I needed...  someone to push me out of my pride box.  She said, "You feel like asking for help is a weakness, but actually it's a strength.  It takes a lot of strength to admit you need help."

Even though I knew that it was okay, that it was healthy, and that He doesn't call us to live this life alone, in isolation...  it was still hard for me.  I took baby steps and slowly started accepting help from those who would offer.  Once that became a little easier, I slowly began asking people for help when I needed.

This has made my life a whole lot easier and more balanced, and He provides people who WANT to help exactly when I need it.

  Mistake:  I was trying to do things my own way in my own strength.
  Lesson:  It's okay to ask for help.

"For My strength is made perfect in your weakness."  ~J.C.

TREAT YOURSELF

For everyone (whether you're a parent or not), it's important to recharge.  As a single mom, spending money on myself always took me on a 'guilt trip.'  I felt like all my money and time should go toward my daughter.  I was always giving, but never taking anything in.  I eventually realized I had given so much, that I had nothing left to give.

After I learned that it's okay to not be okay, and that it's okay to ask for help, I eventually learned that it's okay (and necessary) to treat myself. 

This looks different for different people.  And it looks different for me depending on time, budget, and mood.  I try to get a massage once a month.  It helps relieve the stress and tension. I may go to dinner with a friend, or just get a sitter so I can simply take a 2 hour nap.

Doing this has helped reduce my stress level and has lead me to a more balanced lifestyle.

  Mistake:  I gave until there was nothing left to give.
  Lesson:  It's okay to treat yourself.

"Balance is a core value in life and every once in awhile we deserve to indulge in a guilty pleasure or two. So don't feel bad about straying from your goals every once-in-awhile and in fact, embrace it: eat the cookie and buy the shoes!"  ~Joyce Meyer