we are here!

Well, we are finally here, and I can't believe it!  It's only been four days and it feels like much longer...  in a good way.  We got here on Tuesday, and started school Wednesday morning.  I already feel like we fit right in.  We have been welcomed by many, our meals have been provided, we have reunited with old friends, and have already made many new friends.  It's great to feel so comfortable in such a foreign place.  I'm sure we will have our days where this isn't the case, but for now, it's nice.  :) 

Even if we were to leave tomorrow (we're not, but theoretically speaking...) if we were, just this week would have been worth it.  It has been such a life-changing, eye-opening week, and I can't wait to see what He has in store and what the next couple of years will bring.

JETLAG

3 a.m. wake-up calls is about all I can say.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I'm wide awake by 3 a.m.  This makes for very long days!  This morning it was 3:30, so I'm looking at that as a positive thing...  making progress.  It is now 4:30 a.m. and Emily is still asleep, so I think she is beginning to get on schedule.  Me, not so much.  Hoping that will change by Monday morning!

EMILY'S A ROCKSTAR

My little 5 year old has experienced more in the past week than she can possibly comprehend.  She has had a meltdown or two, but I'd be concerned if she didn't!  She is already adjusting better than I could have ever possibly asked for.  She has made lots of new friends, she loves her new bedroom, and she is even sleeping in her own bed!  We should have moved to China 5 years ago...  :)



First Day of Kindergarten





Day 2



Day 3

 ONE-WAY TICKET

I still need lots of time to process and get my thoughts together, so I don't have a whole lot to say at this point, other than we are here on a one-way ticket!  Not sure that has fully sunk in yet.  It's exciting.  But it's strange...  no itenerary to look at, no more suitcases to pack (thank goodness!).  We are here.  And this is our home. 

it's "go time"!

Today's the big day.  The waiting game is over. Ready or not, here we go!

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE

As I've mentioned before, the last 3 months have been a roller coaster ride.  And by that, I mean everything has been up and down...  my thoughts, my emotions, my days.  There are days I just sit and wait..  waiting for the ride to start.  I've felt like a kid in the candy store...  this is the best time of my life!  I've felt like the ride needs to slow down...  if not, I think I might hurl.  I've been excited, ecstatic, eager, and anxious.  I've been sad, and scared, and lonely.  There are days I've been numb to it all...  is this really happening?  Is it possible to feel all these things at once?  Because I feel them all this morning.  But in the midst of all of it, I also feel Peace.  I am so thankful that there is a Truth that is bigger than my thoughts, my feelings, and my days.  That there is Truth that is never-changing and never-failing, when my thoughts, and my feelings, and my days are ever-changing and ever-failing.

And the peace of Him, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds.

Ready or not, here we go!

BITTERSWEET GOODBYES

"Goodbyes", "See you laters", "After while crocodiles"...  no matter what I call them, they are all just as hard.  I'm not a fan of goodbyes.  Hate is a strong word...  but I hate goodbyes.  Even though I will see you later alligator, I still hate goodbyes.  Even though they're hard, some goodbyes were very encouraging.  People are excited for us, wished us well, and I have no doubt they will keep in touch.  Other goodbyes, not so much.  Good goodbyes, bad goodbyes, hard goodbyes, easy goodbyes....  all just as hard.  They make me sad, they hurt, and I hate goodbyes...  So, this is what it means to "count the cost".

Walking out the door of the little house that finally felt like "home".  Count the cost.  Watching my sister and favorite (and only) niece in the whole world drive away in my car.  Count the cost.  My other sister driving away right behind them.  Count the cost.  Hugging my 81 year old grandma goodbye.  Count the cost.  Leaving a job, people, and students that I love.  Count the cost.  My last worship service in this place, Emily's last time in KidStuff, my last time in this community (for 2 years anyway).  Count the cost.  I haven't told my parents goodbye yet...  they're taking us to the airport.  But even then... I'll count the cost.

So why are we leaving people we love, people who love us, my great job, and community, and that little house with a jacuzzi tub, and my car, and everything comfortable?

Because He said:  "Count the cost and follow Me."

WE LEAVE TONIGHT

discard pile

the chaos

Our plane leaves tonight, but we leave in just a few short hours to head to the airport.

Drive to the aiport- 2 hours 47 minutes
First flight-2 hours 10 minutes
First layover-5 hours 20 minutes
Next flight-15 hours 30 minutes
Next layover- 2 hours 5 minutes
Last flight-3 hours 30 minutes
Total travel time:  30 hours 42 minutes

Get there Tuesday morning, start school on Wednesday!

It's "Go Time"! Let's do this!

the waiting game

So, ideally... I knew that if I was going to apply for a teaching position with this International School, I needed to apply last October.  But like I've said, my thoughts and emotions were really up and down this year.  So, it wasn't until May that I made the heart commitment to go for it!  The past 3 months have been an exciting and unexpected roller coaster ride.  I have experienced every emotion possible, stress levels that I didn't know existed, and the waiting period...

Since I applied late in the game, I am a little behind in the process.  School started last week!  There's so much to do once I get there.  I needed to be there 3 weeks ago.  I've been ready.  My heart's ready.  The teacher in me is ready.  My bags are ready...  well kinda.  And there is nothing I can do... but wait...

THE HULA HOOP THEORY

I had a friend introduce the "hula hoop theory" to me, and it has been so helpful through this waiting game.  She said something to this extent:  imagine you are always wearing a hula hoop.  You can only take care of the things inside your hula hoop.  If it's outside your hula hoop, it's out of reach, and it's out of your control.  Only He has control outside the hula hoop.  The paperwork, the process, the timing...  outside my hula hoop.  So, I sit here and wait...

SUITCASE LIVING

Emily and I have been living out of suitcases since the end of June.  It's been absolutely absurd.  We were in New York for 2 weeks for our new staff orientation and training, where we stayed in college dorms.  We came back to Texas for a week, where some friends of mine had so graciously packed up my house for us.  So we were living out of suitcases and boxes.  And we have been in New Mexico, staying with my parents, ever since...  where we actually have dressers and drawers...  and suitcases.  And...  we wait....

PACKING, UNPACKING, AND RE-PACKING

I wasn't exactly organized when I left Texas.  A few suitcases had some thought put into them, and the rest...  had everything thrown in them that could fit.  I figured I would organize everything when I arrived here in New Mexico.  I was under the impression that Emily and I each get 2 free 50 lb. checked bags, and I was up to 6 bags.  So...  2 too many!  A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and took EVERYTHING out of all my suitcases, and discarded, parted, and reduced our luggage down to 5 suitcases.  Yay, Me!  But THEN, we went shopping.  And I found way too many things that 'they just might not  have in China'.  So, I was back up to 6.  So..  I discarded and parted some more to make room for my new things, and got back down to 5.  Yay, Me again!  Well...  today, come to find out...  new rule.  We each get ONE free bag.  Argggh!  So, 2 bags....  yeah that's extremely unrealistic.  BUT I am trying to get down to 4!  So, I will continue to pack, unpack, and repack while we wait...

LESSON PLANS

So, even though I am not currently in China and I haven't started school, my students have.  And technically, I am their teacher, and I am responsible for their lesson plans.  Doing lesson plans for kids I've never met, whose native language is different than mine, and with a curriculum I haven't seen yet...  kinda makes my head hurt.  I mean, I've taught for a couple of years, so I know what to do.  Kinda.  I think I do.  But I won't really know, until I know.  So, I pick my brain, and dig up previous years' lesson plans, and invade Google, and pick other teachers' brains...  and create the best lesson plans I can create....  while I wait...

WAITING IS HARD, BUT...

...there have been lots of wonderful things about the waiting game.  I've been spending very valuable time with my family, and am cherishing every moment.  I am getting to REST!  Something I haven't had time to do since summer started.  I am getting to spend valuable time with Emily.  Though we are always together, it seems there is ALWAYS one more thing for me to do.  So, it's been nice to purposely set aside time for her.  Also, He is showing me how much He has grown me.  I've played the waiting game before.  And, if I were doing this 2 years ago, there's no doubt I would be a basket case!  So, even though waiting is hard... He's given me peace while He asks me to smile, and wait...

PURPOSE IN WAITING

He's always shown me that there has been purpose in waiting.  Maybe He's teaching me to trust Him more?  Rely on Him more?  Spend more time with Him?  Accept that His timing is Perfect?  I don't know...  I just know that He is the one asking me to wait, so...  I wait...

"But those who wait on HIM shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  ~Isaiah

you're going where!?



A little over 2 years ago, I came across a teaching opportunity at an International School in China, and I've been interested in it ever since.  My first thought was..."I wish I could do something like that."  And my next thought was... "Why can't I?"  I looked into the opportunity shortly after coming across it, and was encouraged to wait until I had 2 years teaching experience and until Emily was in Kindergarten.  So...  I had 2 years to think about it.

Realizing that I was still interested in the opportunity a year later, I thought it would be wise to travel to China and get a feel for what it would be like before moving there.  There was a summer camp associated with the International School and they needed a teacher to teach English to first graders for 2 weeks.  Perfect!  I could do that.  I initially thought I would go by myself and leave Emily with family or friends for 2 weeks, while I took this great opportunity and scoped out what our lives might look like in China. 

I rethought the idea...  and couldn't stand the thought of being away from Emily that long.  Also, if we were really going to move to China, I wanted to see what it would be like for Emily, too.  So, I let them know I was interested in teaching at the camp, but that I wanted to bring my daughter with me.  Though she was only 4, I felt confident in her behavior and that she would be okay hanging out with us at the camp.

Much to my surprise, they said ok!  So, last summer, Emily and I hopped on Emily's first airplane ever (forget the baby steps!), and we headed East.  As you can imagine, we had a variety of responses.  Some support and encouragement...  and lots of... "you're going where!?", and  "why are you doing that!?"  I got many "you're crazy looks" and my favorite comment:  "I hope your decison-making skills are as they should be."

The unexpected and overwhelming negative response was very discouraging and made me question what I was doing and why.  I began to doubt my decision and was very uneasy 2 weeks before our departure.  But when I sat down on that airplane, with my 4 year old daughter, I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it.  The sense of Peace I had is undescribable, and I had no doubt that I was supposed to be on that airplane.

Our time in China was wonderful, hard, great, uncomfortable, peaceful, uneasy, confusing, and life-changing all at the same time.  I actually left China, not sure if I'd be going back.  My thoughts and emotions have been up and down this year.  But here I am....  waiting to return to China...  with 2 years teaching experience and Emily ready for Kindergarten.  :)

We leave in just a few days...  and I know Where I'm going and Why I'm going there.  And I can't wait!

Me and Emily at the International Banquet
during our training/orientation in New York



                      







my pain for His glory

In all honesty, I didn't choose this life.  And neither did most single parents you know.  Sure, choices we've made or a change in life circumstances got us here, but we didn't choose this.  Granted, I know a few people who have chosen the single parent life through fostering or adoption, and I admire them greatly.  But for the rest of us, we're just playing the hand we were dealt.

I have had the privelege of meeting a few single moms and single dads who are playing their hand well.  They have a positive outlook on life, would do anything for their kids, and are doing the best they can with what they've got.  Their attitude and commitment speaks volumes and has been a huge encouragement to me.

On the other hand, I've met some single moms who feel they are inadequate for the job, have a negative outlook on life, and have absolutely no hope.  I know some married moms who feel like they are single moms, and I know some married dads who feel like they are single dads because they are the only ones pulling all the weight.  In all these scenarios, someone needs encouragment, guidance, and hope.

He guides me when I have no idea what to do, He is my hope when I feel hopeless, He is my strength when I am weak, He comforts when I'm lonely, and He fulfills all His promises.  He has provided people in my life who have experienced His promises and who have shared and encouraged me during my times of weakness with the same comfort they've recieved from Him.  Through His promises and His people, He has equipped me to do the same.

Any time I have the privelege to give the single mom a word of encouragement, a little guidance, or just simply a hug that brings a smile...  He reminds me that there's purpose in the pain.  He promises to "use all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose", and He continues to fulfill His promises.

  Mistake:  I've had my "why me?" moments!
  Lesson:  He has me where I am because it's how He wants to use me.

"He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from Him."  ~Paul

                        What's your story?

the hard stuff

THE QUESTIONS

Does her dad have blonde hair?
Does your husband have blonde hair?
What does your husband do?
Why aren't you married?
Why doesn't she have a daddy?
When is she going to get a daddy?

And the list goes on...  The questions aren't the hard part...  they're expected.  It's finding a way to answer them that's hard.  I have been asked these questions millions of times, and have probably answered them differently every single time.  No matter how hard I try to prepare or recite an answer, the questions always throw me off guard.

The questions get harder as Emily gets older, because she now understands the conversations. Therefore, these questions... lead to more questions.

I am slowly learning when an explanation is necessary or beneficial, and when a simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.  My first priority is to protect sweet Emily, so above all else, that's what I do.

  Mistake:  I use to dread the questions.
  Lesson:  The questions are coming regardless, so embrace them...  and move on.

THE MAN WORK

(Some of this is geared more toward single women in general, not just moms)

• fixing the garbage disposal
• lighting the furnace
• airing up the tires
• catching the mouse
• killing the scorpion
• assembling the new toy
• lifting EVERYTHING
• making ALL the decisions
• doing ALL the driving
• doing ALL the discipline
• hooking up the speakers
• replacing the electronics
• replacing the lightbulbs
• talking to the auto mechanic when I have no idea what he's talking about

And the list goes on...

  Mistake:  Doubting I could do most of this.
  Lesson:  Even I can catch a mouse.

THE LONELINESS

I'm not normally one to admit when I'm lonely.  In fact, this may be the first time, ever, that I've confessed that I have my lonely moments.

Sure there are the days I wish I had the companionship, the friendship, and just simply the company.

But the loneliest moments for me have been all of Emily's "firsts".  First word, first bite, first crawl, first step, first animal sound, first "I love you", first day of school, first cartwheel, first read word, first doggy paddle...  And...  the list goes on...

I am thankful that I have great parents and great sisters who are always there to celebrate with me when I call and announce Emily's "firsts".  But it's lonely when there's no one else to watch it with me.

  Mistake:  I've sulked in the loneliness
  Lesson:  He reminds me I'm not alone, and He sees it all.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother."

it's okay to...

NOT BE OKAY

"It's okay to not be okay," said a dear friend of mine.  What a freeing statement!  Seriously, consider the alternative, and this is Great News.

I once heard a grandmother on television tell her grandaughter, "The APPEARANCE of sanity is all that matters, dear."  And for my first few years as a mother, I truly believed this.  I walked around believing I had to prove myself to people; proving that I could handle things all on my own.  I didn't need anyone's help and I didn't need anything from anyone.  So, I put on my "everything's peachy" mask, convinced the world (in my mind) that I had everything figured out, and that I was always okay and always happy.  Again, the "appearance" was all that mattered, right?

After 3 years of doing this, it became exhuasting and emotionally draining.  I wasn't always okay, and I wasn't always happy.  I was very tired all the time, highly stressed, and quite lonely because I didn't know how to accept help and encouragement from people, therefore I was pushing them away.

The first time I took off my "mask" and admitted that I wasn't always ok, and that this life...  always pleasing and always pretending...  was hard, a HUGE weight was lifted.  I was gradually able to open up to people, be more real, and allow people into my life again.

  Mistake:  I was pretending to be someone I wasn't.
  Lesson:  It's okay to not be okay.  (In honor of all my new China friends:  It's okay to have a "yuck duck" day!)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  ~J.C.

ASK FOR HELP

Oh, this one was very, very hard for me to accept, and even harder for me to do.  I absolutely refused to let people know that I needed help.  I was given the role of "Super Mom" and I was determined to fulfill the role. 

My same dear friend (mentioned above), gave me permission to ask for help.  That's what I needed...  someone to push me out of my pride box.  She said, "You feel like asking for help is a weakness, but actually it's a strength.  It takes a lot of strength to admit you need help."

Even though I knew that it was okay, that it was healthy, and that He doesn't call us to live this life alone, in isolation...  it was still hard for me.  I took baby steps and slowly started accepting help from those who would offer.  Once that became a little easier, I slowly began asking people for help when I needed.

This has made my life a whole lot easier and more balanced, and He provides people who WANT to help exactly when I need it.

  Mistake:  I was trying to do things my own way in my own strength.
  Lesson:  It's okay to ask for help.

"For My strength is made perfect in your weakness."  ~J.C.

TREAT YOURSELF

For everyone (whether you're a parent or not), it's important to recharge.  As a single mom, spending money on myself always took me on a 'guilt trip.'  I felt like all my money and time should go toward my daughter.  I was always giving, but never taking anything in.  I eventually realized I had given so much, that I had nothing left to give.

After I learned that it's okay to not be okay, and that it's okay to ask for help, I eventually learned that it's okay (and necessary) to treat myself. 

This looks different for different people.  And it looks different for me depending on time, budget, and mood.  I try to get a massage once a month.  It helps relieve the stress and tension. I may go to dinner with a friend, or just get a sitter so I can simply take a 2 hour nap.

Doing this has helped reduce my stress level and has lead me to a more balanced lifestyle.

  Mistake:  I gave until there was nothing left to give.
  Lesson:  It's okay to treat yourself.

"Balance is a core value in life and every once in awhile we deserve to indulge in a guilty pleasure or two. So don't feel bad about straying from your goals every once-in-awhile and in fact, embrace it: eat the cookie and buy the shoes!"  ~Joyce Meyer

the stereotype: fit it or change it

Okay, let's be honest.  What are the first 5 words that come to mind when you hear the term "single mom"?
Ready, set, go!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

No, really, what are they?

(I am purposely excluding single dads here, because in all reality, our view of single dads varies quite a bit.  Our thoughts are a little more heartfelt, sympathetic...  maybe you view them as heroic?  Even I do this.  Give it a try sometime.)

Okay, back to single moms...  if you were honest, maybe your answers were a little critical, judgmental or maybe you felt pity.  If we go beyond our first 5 seconds of thinking, sure, we can come up with positive attributes of a single mom.  But our natural instinct is to judge, criticize, or pity. 

I say this to say...  that even though being a single mom is sadly becoming the norm, our lives are by no means normal.  And, as single moms, we know this.  And we feel this.  Everywhere we go.

FOODSTAMPS, I'VE BEEN THERE...

The day I stepped in the foodstamp line was one of the hardest days of my life.  I was raised with the theory that you work to earn what you eat and drink.  And stepping in that line was a very shaming moment for me.

But there are times, when we can work as hard as we can and earn as much as we can, and it stil isn't enough to survive.  So, when I couldn't afford the next can of formula, I went there...  to the foodstamp line.  My alternative options were asking people for money or starving my child.

Granted, there are those who take advantage of the system.  But for me, it took laying down a lot of pride, and doing what I had to do to get by for the time being.  My goal was to finish school as quickly as I could, get a stable and decent paying job, and to step out of the foodstamp line.

I found out quickly, that the foodstamp line... was the easy part.  There was the grocery line...   where people stare, and roll their eyes, and tap their foot, and sigh very loudly...  while I'm paying for half my groceries with the foodstamp card, some of it with a debit card, and some with cash... and then there's the screaming baby in the cart.  Again... you do what you have to do.

And then there's the community group...  where the fellow believer asks you to pray for her because she judges those at the grocery store who use foodstamps.  They just drive her crazy.  And she can't stand the stuff that foodstamp people buy with their foodstamps... And everything in me screams..."On behalf of us on foodstamps, I'll pray for you."

And then there's the college guy...  who when he finds out I'm a single mom...  asks me if I have foodstamps... because he needs some groceries.

Yes, foodstamps... I've been there.

OFFENDED:  TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

One of the most uncomfortable places for me to be, is often amongst a group of believers.  I often feel judged or out of place.  And I've come to realize that this isn't because believers are necessarily more judgmental, critical, or less accepting, but because we naturally expect and accept this behavior from a non-believer.  But when the believer has the tendency to stare, gossip, or come across as non-accepting...  it stings a little more.

There are the congregations that claim you can "come as you are", but really mean "come as you are, only if you are perfect."  And there are the congregations, that won't let me speak, and teach, and share what He has done and who He is, because of my status quo.  But thank goodness, there are the congregations who claim you can "come as you are", and I can really 'come as I am'.  And there are those who have let me speak and teach of His overwhelming grace, regardless of my status quo.

There are the conferences where they ask you to split into groups...  singles in this room, families in that room.  I kinda belong to both...  and then again, I don't belong to either.  Where do I go? 

I very rarely fit the norm.  There are always ample opportunites to be offended.  And there will be plenty more.  But what people do or say is their choice.  How I respond... is mine.

  Mistake:  I used to be easily offended.
  Lesson:  Now I realize it's a choice.

FOODSTAMPS, DENIED!

I will never, ever forget the day I got the foodstamp denial letter.  It was during my first month of teaching, and I was now earning too much money (because you know that we, as teachers, make tons of money).

It was a very hard moment...  because I could have really used those foodstamps.  But it was also one of my most encouraging moments.

Everything I worked for, strived for, hoped for, struggled for, and cried for during the first 3 years...  had paid off!  It was finally happening.  It was still hard, but I was finally able to provide for my child... and step out of the foodstamp line.

  Mistake:  I never thought this day would come.
  Lesson:  Through Him, all things are possible.

The stereotype...  conform or transform.

mommy goes back to school

When Emily was 6 months old, I made the decision to go back to school.  I had originally started school at a university in Texas which was 7 hours away from my family.  But it was where I could finish school in the least amount of time for the least amount of money.  Very hard decision...  but I wanted the best life I could possibly offer Emily, so I did what I had to do.  I moved away from anything and everything comfortable and went back to college.

Being a 23 year old single mom is definitely not the norm at Texas State University.  Though I didn't have "single mom" stamped on my forehead and there weren't red arrows surrounding my head, flashing the word "outcast", that's exactly how I felt...  most of the time.

While the majority of my classmates went for a dive in the river between classes, I was taking my child to doctor's appoinments or waiting for the physical therapist to show up at my door.  While my "study group" was meeting and cramming for exams at the library, I was sitting in a rocking chair, reading my notes, with one eye open, rocking a baby to sleep.  While their nights consisted of parties, hanging out, and enjoying friends, my nights were awakened by cries and the obnoxious beeping of an apnea monitor.  The only similarity was that the majority of my classmates never got any sleep, and neither did I...  but for completely different reasons.

It was difficult to escape my constant state of comparing "my life" to "their life".  I lived in a college town, almost all the housing was college housing, and everywhere I went, there was a crowd of college students.

Toward the end of my semester prior to student teaching, I began to question what I was doing.  I was almost finished with school, and I wasn't all that excited.  I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and doubted that I was cut out for "school" or for "teaching". 

I had an Elementary Art Professor that semester who I just admired greatly.  She made the point to write out a strength that she saw in each and everyone of us in my class...  over 30 college students.  She read them aloud to the class.  It was encouraging to know she thought so highly of me, but I didn't agree with her... at all.  She often let us know that she was readily availabe to talk if we needed to or to ask if we had questions.

So I scheduled an appointment with Mrs. P.  I broke instantly.  I told her I've spent 2 years in these education classes and I wasn't really all that excited.  I mean, I enjoyed them, but I wasn't passionate about all the projects we had to do, and I wasn't excited about starting my student teaching like everyone else was.  I told her I wasn't sure if this is what I should be doing. 

She assured me that she knew I'd be a great teacher, and she said, "You are comparing yourself to everyone else.  Your life isn't like everyone elses.  You are a mother.  You are tired.  And that's okay.  You have other priorities and a bigger focus than a class project or what school you will be student teaching in.  It's okay if you don't feel the same as everyone else, because you are not everyone else."

Such obvious statements, but I was completely oblivious.  I had been caught up in how much I didn't fit in with the average college kid, when I went in knowing, I wasn't the average college kid.

Thanks to Mrs. P, I was able to step out of the comparison box, enjoy my student teaching, and when Emily was 2 and a half (and completely healthy :)), I graduated with an Elementary Education degree...  with absolutely no doubt that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. 



After a year of physical and
occupational therapy, heart and
lung medication, doctors visits
and hospital stays, Emily's
medical needs had been met,
and she was a completely
healthy and happy baby!



Many people asked me how I finished college with a baby... truth is, if it weren't for Emily, I'm not sure I ever would have.

  Mistake:  I was comparing myself to everyone else.

  Lesson: I'm not like everyone else. And everyone else...is not like everyone else.

"You are unique, just like everyone else."  ~Anonymous 

a long 12 days...

Emily was 7 weeks premature and lived in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for the first 12 days of her life.

These 12 days stretched me and broke me to the core.  I was completely powerless.  I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen to my precious little girl. 

By day 2, the doctors sent me home... without my baby.  Heartbreaking.

I wasn't allowed to stay the night in NICU.  No beds and no visitors after a certain hour.  This was hard.

Every morning, I got out of bed and hoped that today, she was just a little bit stronger than the day before.

And as I walked into the NICU every morning, and listened to the beeping of all the monitors, the cries and screams of the babies, and the whails and mourning of the families whose babies just didn't make it that day...  as I watched the nurses continously move IV's from Emily's tiny veins in her feet, to the veins in her wrists, to the veins in her head, and as I watched my helpless daughter feed from a tube...  all I could do was put my trust and hope in Him.

Once again, I didn't realize He was all I needed, until He was all I had.  During these 12 days, He was my Hope, He was my Strength ,and He was my Rock.


I am so thankful that there is Something, Someone bigger than myself.  Because there was nothing I could do.

By day 12, I left the hospital...  with my baby.

  Mistake:  I didn't believe in miracles.

  Lesson:  Miracles happen everyday.

"Every child is a story to be told."  ~Anonymous

 

 

a very significant month

I spent the next 4 weeks lying in a hospital bed.  I was on bed rest for an entire month, and wasn't even allowed to walk down the hallway to get a drink of  water.  I had permission to eat, sleep, and watch tv...  and that was about it.  I went from complete busyness to complete nothingness in a split second.  And it was good for me.


I didn't realize He was all I needed until He was all I had.  He used this month in my life to calm the chaos and to slowly begin to prepare me for the road ahead.  He made me be still, and He made me draw near.


I strangely had a very positive attitude this month.  The nurses and doctors commented often on my optimism and didn't understand why I wasn't just absolutely miserable.  They quoted that most mothers were ready to go home by day 3, and I hadn't even mentioned or questioned it.


Truth was that I was safe, people were taking care of me, and people were showing me that they actually cared.  Something I hadn't had up until this point.


He used this month to remind me of His great love for me.


And exactly a month from the day I was admitted, I was scheduled for an emergency C-section.


I became a mommy to a 4 1b., 12 oz. baby girl.


And I was as ready as I could be.


  Mistake:  I ran so hard, I fell.
  Lesson:  No matter how hard and how fast I run, I can't run from Him.


"Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom, well,that's when I start looking up."
                                                               Matthew West

reality...

WHERE WAS I RUNNING?

It became clear very early in my pregnancy that I was going to embark on this single mom journey... alone.  I was 22, scared, and lonely.  Rather than accepting what was in front of me, I did everything I could to run from it.  I attempted to escape this reality by chasing the world and distancing myself from my Savior.  I filled my days with work and school, got very little rest, and was sick often.  I figured if I was busy, I wouldn't have time to think about things.  I turned to everything and everyone, hoping that something or someone could make this ok.  And when that didn't work, I isolated and distanced myself, hindering my relationships.

  mistake: I looked to the world to satisfy.
  lesson:  He's the only One Who can.

LEXI, THE HAIRDRESSER

During my 5th month, it was very apparent that I needed to slow down, get some rest, and take better care of myself.  Amongst all that, I wanted to get my hair done... the whole works...cut, layered, highlights.  I called a salon and they scheduled me with Lexi. 

During the hairwash, Lexi revealed that she was 19 and still in the process of getting her beautician's license.  Comforting, right?  It's not everyday I decide to change my hair color and my look.  I was very apprehensive about letting this little 19 year old, who didn't know what she was doing, touch my hair.  But I let her anyway...

As she was cutting, we began talking about the baby in my tummy and about my situation.  Lexi then reveals that at age 19, she is a single mom to a 4 year old girl.  I was astounded to learn that she had been raising her daughter alone since she was 15.  She was working, going to school, being a mom, and she was...  happy?  She was very mature and knowledgeable for a 19 year old and I realized very quickly, I had a lot to learn from her.  Lexi assured me that she had no doubt that I would be a great mom.  She gave me a list of resources and organizations to help get me on my feet.  I left feeling encouraged and realized there was hope, and that I was not alone.

This little 19 year old, who didn't know what she was doing, knew much more than I did.  And my hair looked great.

  mistake:  I was too quick to judge.
  lesson:  He uses people we least expect.

6 MONTH CHECK-UP

On my way to work one morning, I stopped by the doctor's office for my 6 month check-up.  The ultrasound technician said these words exactly, "Baby's hearbeat sounds good, everything looks great, keep up the good work!"

I thanked her and began to walk down the hall toward the Exit.  Halfway down the hall, I had a very strong and overwhelming urge to turn around and go back.  So, I did...

I walked back in the little ultrasound room.  I mentioned that in my prior visit, the doctor said that my placenta was low and I shouldn't do any excercise or heavy lifting.  I asked her if she would mind taking a look again.  She did another ultrasound and assured me that my placenta was fine... but I had no cervix.

She got the doctor.  He did another ultrasound, and insisted on admitting me to the hospital immediately.  Whoa... what just happened!?

I stopped by work and let them know what was going on.  I went home and packed my bag (as the doctor suggested), and drove straight to the hospital.

As I waited for my aunt to arrive, who stayed with me until my mom (3 hours away) could get there, REALITY hit.

That night, my contractions were 4 minutes apart and the nurse spent the entire night doing everything she could to stop the labor.

  mistake:  I tried to escape reality.
  lesson:  Reality strikes anyway.

I wasn't ready for this...

hello, blog world!

So, I've considered entering this world of blogging many times and am now regretting not doing so sooner.  I have been on this single mom journey for 5 years and it's all I've known in my experience as a mother.  There is so much to share.  I have made many mistakes, but have learned so much.  I have been stretched beyond means, but have grown a ton.  I have cried often, but have laughed even more.  There has never been a dull moment.  

My daughter, Emily, and I are patiently waiting, as we will soon embark on an incredible journey.  We leave for China in just a few short weeks, where I will be teaching at an International School, and Emily will be in my class.  The purpose of this blog is not only to keep you updated on our lives, but for you to see His story through our story.

Before I begin our China updates, I'd like to walk you through mistakes made and lessons learned on my journey thus far.  My hope is that you don't see my failures or my accomplishments, but His grace and His mercy as He's guided me, directed me, and often times, just picked me up and carried me.

Between the beauty and the chaos...  He provides peace and rest.