the stereotype: fit it or change it

Okay, let's be honest.  What are the first 5 words that come to mind when you hear the term "single mom"?
Ready, set, go!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

No, really, what are they?

(I am purposely excluding single dads here, because in all reality, our view of single dads varies quite a bit.  Our thoughts are a little more heartfelt, sympathetic...  maybe you view them as heroic?  Even I do this.  Give it a try sometime.)

Okay, back to single moms...  if you were honest, maybe your answers were a little critical, judgmental or maybe you felt pity.  If we go beyond our first 5 seconds of thinking, sure, we can come up with positive attributes of a single mom.  But our natural instinct is to judge, criticize, or pity. 

I say this to say...  that even though being a single mom is sadly becoming the norm, our lives are by no means normal.  And, as single moms, we know this.  And we feel this.  Everywhere we go.

FOODSTAMPS, I'VE BEEN THERE...

The day I stepped in the foodstamp line was one of the hardest days of my life.  I was raised with the theory that you work to earn what you eat and drink.  And stepping in that line was a very shaming moment for me.

But there are times, when we can work as hard as we can and earn as much as we can, and it stil isn't enough to survive.  So, when I couldn't afford the next can of formula, I went there...  to the foodstamp line.  My alternative options were asking people for money or starving my child.

Granted, there are those who take advantage of the system.  But for me, it took laying down a lot of pride, and doing what I had to do to get by for the time being.  My goal was to finish school as quickly as I could, get a stable and decent paying job, and to step out of the foodstamp line.

I found out quickly, that the foodstamp line... was the easy part.  There was the grocery line...   where people stare, and roll their eyes, and tap their foot, and sigh very loudly...  while I'm paying for half my groceries with the foodstamp card, some of it with a debit card, and some with cash... and then there's the screaming baby in the cart.  Again... you do what you have to do.

And then there's the community group...  where the fellow believer asks you to pray for her because she judges those at the grocery store who use foodstamps.  They just drive her crazy.  And she can't stand the stuff that foodstamp people buy with their foodstamps... And everything in me screams..."On behalf of us on foodstamps, I'll pray for you."

And then there's the college guy...  who when he finds out I'm a single mom...  asks me if I have foodstamps... because he needs some groceries.

Yes, foodstamps... I've been there.

OFFENDED:  TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

One of the most uncomfortable places for me to be, is often amongst a group of believers.  I often feel judged or out of place.  And I've come to realize that this isn't because believers are necessarily more judgmental, critical, or less accepting, but because we naturally expect and accept this behavior from a non-believer.  But when the believer has the tendency to stare, gossip, or come across as non-accepting...  it stings a little more.

There are the congregations that claim you can "come as you are", but really mean "come as you are, only if you are perfect."  And there are the congregations, that won't let me speak, and teach, and share what He has done and who He is, because of my status quo.  But thank goodness, there are the congregations who claim you can "come as you are", and I can really 'come as I am'.  And there are those who have let me speak and teach of His overwhelming grace, regardless of my status quo.

There are the conferences where they ask you to split into groups...  singles in this room, families in that room.  I kinda belong to both...  and then again, I don't belong to either.  Where do I go? 

I very rarely fit the norm.  There are always ample opportunites to be offended.  And there will be plenty more.  But what people do or say is their choice.  How I respond... is mine.

  Mistake:  I used to be easily offended.
  Lesson:  Now I realize it's a choice.

FOODSTAMPS, DENIED!

I will never, ever forget the day I got the foodstamp denial letter.  It was during my first month of teaching, and I was now earning too much money (because you know that we, as teachers, make tons of money).

It was a very hard moment...  because I could have really used those foodstamps.  But it was also one of my most encouraging moments.

Everything I worked for, strived for, hoped for, struggled for, and cried for during the first 3 years...  had paid off!  It was finally happening.  It was still hard, but I was finally able to provide for my child... and step out of the foodstamp line.

  Mistake:  I never thought this day would come.
  Lesson:  Through Him, all things are possible.

The stereotype...  conform or transform.